Today is not forever ...

Have you ever been stuck in the midst of the chaos that is life and thought, "this can't be what it's going to be like forever, right?!" You've got one toddler screaming at your feet about a blue cup, the other dumping an entire bin of train parts out in the middle of the play room and a third running around singing "Santa Claus is coming to town" at the top of his lungs in the middle of February ... oh did I mention you just stepped on a lego too?!

Adults have big emotions and reactions and so do littles. Kids are navigating all day long how to co-exsist in a world that isn't built for their pace or their size. Adults are constantly asking them to do things - "Pick up your toys. Come to the dinner table. Time to leave for school." We rarely pause our adult agenda to enter the child's world and see how these transitions can be quite startling while they are in the middle of play or exploration. It can be super frustrating for both them and us. I heard this phrase the other day and it made me think, "You're right! Today isn't forever. I can take a deep breath and I can support this little human struggling with their emotions so that later in life they are able to cope with a mountain of emotions." So how do we do it?

We accept all feelings.

It's our job as parents to set boundaries, validate feelings and empathize.

It's our children's job to express and experience feelings and emotions.

(Caregiver) Set the boundary.

• "I see you are building a tall tower with blocks. We will leave for school in 2 minutes."

(Child) Express emotions about the boundary.

• Screams "I don't want to go to school. I am building a tower!!"

(Caregiver) Validate feelings.

• It sounds like you are frustrated we have to leave soon. It's ok to feel frustrated that you might not finish your tower. I won't let you scream in the house."

(Child) Experience those feelings.

• May cry, continue to scream, protest, negotiate

(Caregiver) Show empathy while holding boundary.

• It's time to go to school now. I know you are frustrated and sad. You can leave your tower here to finish after school or you can clean it up and start over when we get home. Which would you like to do? (allow your child to choose, but if they are unable to chose in the moment, make the choice for them with warning) I see you are having a hard time choosing. Let's leave your tower here so you can work on it when we get home. I am going to pick you up and carry you to the car so we can go to school.

This series of setting boundaries, validating and empathizing occurs probably 40 times a day in our house. It is exhausting, but in the end I see our boys comfortable enough to express their feelings and emotions, understand that we have boundaries and begin to explore how to navigate those boundaries. These are life long skills they will use throughout their lives. Often in the school setting, I see students struggle with hearing "no" from their teachers and ultimately it comes down to their lack of experience navigating boundaries and situations where they don't "get what they want" so to say.

Here is one more real life example.

(Caregiver) Set the boundary.

• "Wow! You seem angry right now. It's ok to be angry. It is not ok to hit."

(Child) Express emotions about the boundary.

• Shouts and kicks "I hate you! Go away!"

(Caregiver) Validate feelings.

• It sounds like you are angry. It's ok to feel angry. I won't let you kick. I am going to move my body until you are ready to have safe hands and feet.

(Child) Experience those feelings.

• May cry, continue to scream, kick, hit, protest, negotiate (hold the boundary, if needed gently and calmly hold their hands, feet while repeating "I will not let you hit/ kick."

(Caregiver) Show empathy while holding boundary.

• It's really hard sometimes to be a kid. You feel angry right now about something. I am here and I will not let you kick or hit. My job is to keep you and your brothers safe. (remain with them or near them until they have rode the wave of emotions and let them know you are there if they need a hug or want to talk through it.

For those of you who do not know me personally. I am a very "type A, control my environment, organized, one way to do things" type person. After having 3 children, I came to the realization that there are more important things in life than organization and things being done in a certain way. Relationships with my children are more validating. I want them to know that I am happy, that no matter what decisions they make I love them. The spilled cereal, the crayons on the wall, the laundry, spilled toy bins, the noise - it's not forever. What is forever is how our children perceive

themselves and what they believe we think of them. Self worth and self esteem don't happen naturally. These are developed in a child's environment and how we react to things like messes, mistakes, feelings, protests and behaviors directly impact our children.

This is true for all emotions. When our children experience disappointment, excitement, surprise, etc they express those in different ways. They may not yet understand how to express those feelings, but we can guide them in socially appropriate ways to express them and verbalize them.

Today is not forever ... what is something that is really hard for you to cope with?

For me the first thing to tackle was "messes" - when the kids knocked over the cereal box and the rice krispies went everywhere, dumping the toy bin out to explore vs. navigating through the box for one specific motorcycle, wiping our hands after every meal and snack. I had to work so hard to in the moment, take a deep breath, remind myself today is not forever and elicit their help to "clean up" when the time was right (in the moment for cereal, at the end of play or transition for the toys, etc) I wanted them to see that we all make mistakes, to navigate the difference between a small problem and a big problem and to see that "little things" are just bumps in our daily road, they don't completely derail us.

Challenge for you this week:

Identify your trigger, take a deep breath, remind yourself "Today is not forever" and try this series of setting boundaries, allowing your child to express their emotions, validate, empathize, and hold the boundary while they experience their emotions. Comment below on how it's going. Challenges? Successes? Celebrations? Let's connect!